Too

Too much
Too good
Too sweet
Too hot
Too intense
Too soon
Too shady
Too bad

You Knew

You knew

And it didn’t matter

You knew

But you wanted to believe

You knew

You deserved better

You knew

 It was nobody’s fault

You knew

It was another test

You knew

It would sting, just a little

You know

What the answer is

You know

What to do

You know

It’s all good

Today

Today was a very challenging day.

I say that because being the eternal optimist that I am, I don’t want to refer to some annoying set backs as a ‘BAD day’.  It all started when I woke up at 10:00 am and realized that I overslept and would probably be late for my DMV appointment to replace my license that was stolen a day earlier.  I hurried on my bike to the bus stop, got to the DMV and realized that I forgot my bike lock.  So, I rode my bike back home and decided to treat myself to a nice breakfast. After a filling meal, I made the effort to do something about replacing my glasses that were also stolen, along with passport, cell phone, camera, and various other belongings.  It turns out that the eye doctor’s office could not give me my prescription over the phone so I they said they would fax it in half an hour to a local UPS office in town.  Well, after biking my way to get new passport photos, I went to pick up my fax, which had, after two hours, not arrived yet, I was furious.  My patience was wearing thin since missing my DMV appointment, struggling with various little annoyances getting out of the house, trying to get info on non-working websites, knocking over my easel with my bike, you name it, it happened.  So, since I didn’t have my cell phone to call and bitch out my eye doctor’s office, I looked around for a pay phone, which by the way, don’t exist anymore, I was ready to cry.  I rode by a fancy boutique hotel asking if they had a payphone and a waiter said, “no, but you can use our regular phone”.  Those words rang out like songs from Heaven.  Seriously, I couldn’t believe my ears,  “You mean for free?” I thought.  Well, I called the eye doctor’s office and made some heads roll and got them to fax the info right away, to which I expressed my great appreciation, of course, I’m not an ogre after all.  Just to make sure that I gave enough time for the fax to arrive, I stopped by a local brewery to have a beer to help adjust my attitude, and I’m so glad I did. The two guys I sat next to at the bar, Ian and Seth, were from England and we started to chat it up a bit.  I mentioned that I was planning a trip to India and Ian said, “Oh, I’ve made that trip”, and he proceeded to give me his ‘must see’ recommendations. That exchange at the bar and the waiter letting me make a phone call, left me feeling like everything was going to be okay, and all coming from kind interactions between complete strangers.  It truly made all the previous little setbacks seem like tiny pebbles in the road instead of roadblocks.  The human spirit continues to amaze me when I least expect it, and for this reason I remain an eternal optimist. 

My Ego

My Ego wants revenge

My Ego knows better

You think you won

Think again

My Ego knows you want me

My Ego knows you care

My Ego knows I’m the best

You ever had

My Ego sees you stare

My Ego is bigger

Than yours

My Ego is better

I swear

Your Ego thinks it knows
While my Ego thinks and grows.

Sweetly Toxic

Caramel woe

Syrupy grief

Candy cane ache

Sugary heartbreak

Candied sadness

Honeyed pangs

Chocolate upset

Maple sting

The Fit

Do I fit in?
Where?

This I've never known

Maybe I fit in there?
Feels awkward.

I’ll try to fit in that way
Doesn’t feel right

I tried to fit in the other way
Felt bad too.

I know

I’ll stand right here
Maybe everything else 

Will fit in 
Around me

Feels better.

Between Us

There is something

Between us

I see myself in your eyes

Do you see yourself in mine?

There is something

Between us

Neither of us

Wants to dive in

It’s safer on the ledge

Looking in

We’re curious

We’re scared

What’s inside

Could be

So good

It hurts

Could be

Ecstasy

Could be

Pain

We can’t deny

There is something

Between us

Myself

Myself has not been in a very good mood lately.

It’s so bad sometimes that I just want to walk away from myself.

Is that even possible?

To just, get up and leave myself?

It’s just that myself has been acting so weird lately.

Myself gets sad, depressed, and lonely.

Not at all like me.

Myself's downer mood is getting tedious and boring.

I don’t know if I can take myself any longer.

I need to be around positive people, ya know?

If myself doesn’t shape up then, I dunno.

I’ll have to have a talk with myself.

Maybe I can shake myself out of it with my wit and humor.

After all, if I don’t have myself

then what do I have?

Everyday Strange

Everyday strange

On the Blue line.

A man vomiting on the floor,

the train hadn’t left yet.

A man clipping his fingernails.

A man loudly berating his girlfriend

Because the eggs he packed

in his own bag broke.

A man holding an 80’s style boom box

blaring music on an otherwise quiet train car.

A Black woman yelling at a Mexican man

that he should not be wearing his sunglasses  at night

and, that he should not be in America if he can’t speak English.

A man complaining that there are too many immigrants on the train,

he had a large wrench in his hand.

A man singing “La Bamba” for money.

Various people telling their sad stories,

selling candy and trinkets, begging for money.

The train conductor announcing that someone

smelled like cigarette smoke.

Various kinds of body odor and bad breath.

An older Black man yelling at younger Black boys

that they walk like monkeys with their pants hanging low.

An obnoxious teenager staring at me

and asking me to go to the prom with him.
Everyday strange getting stranger everyday.

We are

First only dark and light

Then stardust and flesh

Making tangible the spark

Coming into being

Knowing joy by way of sorrow

Even joy needs contrast

As misery needs elation.

So light needs dark.

So tedium strikes bliss.

So here we are.

Gastronomic Delight

Why don't I carry a notepad? I get inspired at completely unexpected moments, like now, so I guess I'll write on the back of this bus schedule. I remembered wanting to eat at this somewhat fancy outdoor restaurant at the top of the Albaicyn (gypsy quarter) named El Huerto de Juan Ranas. It was suggested by our school's jefe (the boss) on an excursion through the Albaicyn when we stopped at the "mirador" (lookout point) which overlooks Granada and the Alhambra (a palace built by the Moors). So, here I am, alone. I chose a table in the corner facing the Alhambra not noticing my dinner date would be a strategically placed cactus opposite me, he's a little prickley, but he'll do. As I sip on a galss of sangria I've been given an "aperitivo de la casa" which is a short glass with a home made potato chip, small slice of seared salmon and some tomato soaked barley drisled with olive oil. Delicious. I've ordered my meal and am curious to see what arrives. As I write, I wonder if the staff thinks I might be a food critic and suddenly commits to provide excellent service as I've yet to experience any since my arrival in Spain. Sunset will soon blanket the Alhambra, what a perfect view at a perfect moment in time. The sangria is the best I've tasted. It has a secret ingredient my tongue can't quite place, a sweet liqour of some sort not to mention a generous helping of fruit too. My salad arrives. Lambs lettuce and vinegar it said on the menu but what sits in front of me is much prettier. Baby lettuce, lingonberries, small red flower petals, walnuts and chunk tuna in olive oil, accompanied by a piping hot assortment of bread, yum!  As I wait for my entree I listen to a mixture of birds chirping, mini buses full of tourists passing by, and the soft murmur of the family talking next to me. A small wave of loneliness approaches but I decide to jump over it and watch it difuse into soft bubbles. I order a glass of vino Quinta from Jerez, which I learned in culture class today makes some of the best wine in Spain. When it comes to the table I  swirl the glass, take a sniff, check out the legs and sip. Sweet aroma, somewhat dry tasting white wine, I like it. The sun is almost down and the Sierra Nevadas have turned from brown to muted pinks and purples, up come the lights surrounding the Alhambra for the night tour. My entree, Bacalao confitado con manzana y cebolla carmelizada, is here. Perfectly cooked cod, seasoned just enough, some apple puree on the side accompanied by a bundle of green and purple sprouts and a swirl of green mustard/vinegar sauce. The fish rests on some carmelized onion and sweet red pepper. The plate is garnished with a towering green leaf with deep purple veins, looks like art, tastes like heaven.The city lights are twinkling, the Alhambra is glowing and my tummy is singing a happy tune. I guess I'll ask for the check now, I sense the restaurant is getting busy and I'm sure they'd like my table for more than just one. The sky deepens into indigo  and I notice two stars just above me, one a bright enduring light , the other just a faint glimmer. I wonder how many other people are gazing at these very stars at this very moment and I have one wish for them all, buen provecho! (enjoy your meal!)

I haven't, I have

I haven’t found “the One”

I haven’t made a lot of money

I haven’t given birth

I haven’t fit in

I haven’t been really good at one thing

I haven’t earned a degree, yet

I haven’t owned a home

I haven’t trusted completely

I haven’t felt secure

I haven’t loved with out fear

I have taken a chance

I have been grateful

I have learned a few things

I have hope

I have decided to make a difference

I have made people laugh

I have seen beauty in everyday things

I have grown

I have realized

I have found God in me

I have loved and been loved

I have much more than I haven’t

Two

Trying something new

when I met you.

Hadn’t gambled in a while,

quiet, sweet, not the usual smile.

I felt in control, strangely.

Little did I know,

It was yours all along.

I took a chance and spilled it all.

On the spill I slipped, stumbled, and took a fall.

You took notice and let me know.

Awkward and rosy, I retreated,

feeling all too defeated.

It wasn’t me, it wasn’t you.

Just not time for us to be

Two.

The Fall

The fall could be fatal

or just a bruise.

After the fall

I stand anew.

I hope

I pray

A lesson well learned?

Of course, I say.

It’s not the hurt

of loosing you.

It’s me I’ve lost

That makes me do

those  things

I ought not do.

Afraid to fall

In love.

King

Left too soon,

My king.

Empty throne, without warmth.

Deep green eyes so true,

None fills the place of you.

Weeks to years,

time means nill

without the love

you so openly filled

my heart

that leaks bloody tears

stinging my eyes and cheeks.

Fears I’ll not recover

pours like rain

unforgiving

cleansing

washing away

moonlit days and sun filled nights.

Forever my king shall light

my heart.

It

I met the Devil today

I wasn’t looking for it at all.

It lives in the woods of Hollyway.

It visits us on the screens, big and small.

It gambles on us in the markets and charts.

It tricks us between the sheets and bars.

It waits for us in our minds and hearts.